I’m not disabled!

I *could* just leave this blog entry there. Three words on the title “I’m not disabled!” and call it a day. Although I guess that’s not really why you, gentle reader, are here is it?

I’m an aspie, I’m on the autistic spectrum, I’m a mathematician, I’m a husband, I’m a punster, I’m a steampunk aficionado and I’m pretty handy in the kitchen. I’m all these things and more, but there are two things I’m most certainly not.

  1. I’m not disabled.
  2. I’m not gifted.

Over the last few weeks I’ve had well-meaning (and some NOT SO well meaning) Neurotypical types put me in one of those two categories against my will. Let me explain why I don’t feel either of those terms applies to me. (Note this is me talking about me here. I am using first person narrative here. I know some aspies and auties DO consider themselves either disabled or gifted – or both! – that’s perfectly fine. It just doesn’t apply to me).

Let me give you a bit of background here. I have an MSc in mathematics (cliché alert!) I’m a white cisgender male (cliché alert!) with an interest in sci-fi, science, puzzles and memorising facts and figures about movies (cliché aler… ooh my cliché klaxon has over heated!). Yes I’m afraid to admit I’m the poster boy for Hollywood autists. I should point out however I’m no Rainman-esque savant. I’m certainly nothing like young Simon in ‘Mercury Rising’ either. Ok yes, I bought the GCHQ puzzle book and, yes I had a good crack at some of the enigmas contained therein. I CERTAINLY couldn’t just pick up the book and decipher them with just a glance at the page! Like my MSc qualification, I had to work at them. Yet, somehow when I tell NT’s I’m a mathematician AND an aspie they sort of look at me like I’m a cheat! “Well of COURSE you passed your maths degree when you sneaked that quantum supercomputer filled with all the answers into the exams! Anyone would have passed if they did the same..” (no one actually said those exact words but I’ve had similar implied to me in the past) . Let me say two things here. 1. When I sat my exams and did my MSc I didn’t know I was on the spectrum. I was just a nerdy math obsessed geek with terrible social skills. 2. (I need to shout this) AUTISM IS NOT A GIFT!  It’s not some magic information processing system that gives the owner superhuman levels of perception and calculation! I had to study hard, revise long and was just as confused as others at times. I may have a math orientated brain but so do many many others in both AS and NT groupings. It was a long hard slog but I got there eventually. Nothing about the process was what I would call “Easy” at any time.

Conversely I’ve had people imply I’m somehow damaged goods. I’m mentally deficient and disabled. Erm… Hello! 46 years on not knowing I was on the spectrum here. I’ve held down some PRETTY DARNED IMPRESSIVE jobs in my time. I’ve owned my own flat, I’ve married and now we own our own 3 bedroom semi-detached house and a cat! I’m certainly NOT disabled. There’s nothing holding me back other than myself. I’ve had this argument put to me previously but in reference to my congenital anosmia. “Oh but you’re missing one of your five senses! Therefore you HAVE to be disabled!” again, erm no ! Does not being able to smell anything entitle me to park in the disabled bay at the supermarket? Does not being able to smell anything stop me taking a train into the city centre for a job? Or entitle me to any form of benefit? No, of course not. It doesn’t affect the way I work (it might if I was a perfume tester or a wine taster.. but I’m not and loads of NON anosmics can’t do those jobs either!) same with my autism. I don’t like crowds but I deal with them. I dislike speaking in front of the team but I do it. I get stressed by deadlines but work to clear them (and show me one NT person who DOESN’T EVER get stressed by deadlines)  My asperger’s doesn’t limit me in my day-to-day living. It might make certain things a bit harder but I still do them. I can work, travel, date, marry, party and dance like the next man. My autism is just a different way of looking at things, it’s not a disease to be cured nor a cancer to be cut out. It’s a preference for mint choc chip ice cream over vanilla,  it’s liking Jazz and hating Rap. It’s a personal way of thinking.

No I’m not gifted nor am I disabled. Who am I? I’m Pete.. pleased to make your acquaintance!

Everything is Awesome..

No. Far from it. There’s too much hatred in the world, too much bitterness, too much “us and them”. It sometimes feels that the world is a toxic environment covered with stinking quagmires and clouds of noxious gasses. It’s too easy to fall into the trap of thinking everyone you meet is “out to get you” or only looking out for their own interests.

No, I refute this. Constantly assuming the worst isn’t healthy. I’m not a religious person by any stretch of the imagination (I used to be.. but that’s a WHOLE different story) but I must have faith (for want of a better word) that Good (for want of a better word) will prevail over Evil (for want of.. well..you get the picture!)

I like people. Genuinely, I like people. I get odd looks from commuters as I randomly smile at people. A wise old face, a happy child, a loving couple, a unique individual can often find themselves victim of a drive by smiling by this crazy old fool.

I have a particularly odd outlook on life. A personal philosophy I fashioned over many years of feeling different. It occurred to me that we are ALL different which in turn makes us ALL the same. I mean we are all unique and it is this collective uniqueness that binds us all together.

My philosophy is one fashioned from questionable physics and crude mathematics 😉 When you look at the universe from creation to now there have been numerous points where something specific had to happen to end up where we are right now (you.. sitting there.. reading this!) The right atoms had to clump together to form the galaxy, the right lumps of matter had to form to create the protoplasmic Earth. The right planetoid had to crash into Earth to knock it off kilter and give us our moon.  The right meteors and comets had to bombard the planet with the right chemicals to form the basis of life. That life had to survive many extinction level events to evolve. The right fish, the right reptile, the right mammal, the right ape then think to the more recent history. Your great-great-great-great.. .. .. great grandparents had to meet from all the people they could  have met, the right sperm had to meet the right egg at the right time, again and again and again and again down the generations until eventually, you. You right there.. was born. Mathematically speaking the odds of these specific things happening are astronomical. Ok obviously they HAD to happen otherwise we wouldn’t be here. But when you look at it from this perspective you are statistically impossible. The odds of you existing are stacked against you, yet despite the odds here you are. You are as close to a miracle as this mathematician sceptic aspie is ever going to see. And you know what else? So am I ! And your friends, your co-workers, that guy you pass on the street, the annoying politician who everyone laughs at.

We have to realise that we are the greatest treasure this universe will ever have (at least on this unremarkable blue-green planet in the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Galaxy) We have to realise that once we’re gone.. We’re gone. Never was there anyone like us before, never will there be anyone like us again. We are irreplaceable and totally unique. And in the grand scheme of things we are mayflies. We flare and burn and go out so very very quickly. Which makes every second a precious gift, every minute a fortune. Not to be wasted, not to be squandered on causing pain or discomfort, but riches to be spent telling others how wonderful they are. Helping the weak, the infirm, the frail and speaking up for those with no voices of their own, shouting down those who will seek to silence others for personal gain.

We must be proud of our differences. We must stand shoulder to shoulder and spend our time riches wisely. We are wonderful. We are beautiful.

I’m reminded of a quote from the movie V for Vendetta. Where a letter from a long departed inmate called Valerie is found and read. The last part sums up my sentiment exactly.

“What I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may not meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you: I love you.

With all my heart

I love you”

Why I feel people hate me before they’ve ever seen me!

One word. “Atypical”

Netflix’s latest offering is a “Dark comedy” about a young 18-year-old male growing up on the Autism Spectrum and trying to get a girlfriend.

Ok.. sounds familiar (well apart from the elephant in the room that is the fact I wasn’t diagnosed Autistic until I was 46) “perhaps this could be interesting” Thinks Me.

Oh boy.. So much hatred on social media for this show. Calls to boycott it, tweet upon tweet upon tweet about how they didn’t hire an actual autist for the role, about how he’s white, about how he’s straight, about how he’s Cisgender, about how he’s a he! I’ve seen posts about “Toxic Masculinity” dear god an 18-year-old boy imagining having sex? How very dare they.

Ok, look. Sure, they could have hired an actual autist for the role. I’m not a huge fan of The Big Bang theory. People say Sheldon Cooper is “an example of someone on the spectrum” I disagree.. I think he’s an example of someone who’s an a**hole! I associate more with Leonard or Raj than any other character. My wife says I’m like Moss from The I.T. Crowd (the original British version I hurry to state!) Yes I can see that. Naïve, intelligent, awkward, loyal and at times as dim-witted as two short planks stacked together. Sums me up that does! Played perfectly by the talented Richard Ayoade I really see a lot of myself in Moss (except I don’t live with my mum any longer and actually have a social life .. of sorts) When I heard there was a show where the “hero” was autistic, not implied but actually written as autistic, I was glad. I was looking forward to the show. Then I saw the vitriol being targeted towards it.

Don’t misunderstand me, I understand where they are all coming from.  I see your points and, in part, I agree with them.  But let’s just step back for a second. Take a look as someone who *IS* a white straight cisgender male on the autistic spectrum. (heck worse than that.. I’m middle aged AND middle class) When I see people saying how they’re not interested in seeing “toxic male cisgendered straight guys with all their ill-gotten privileges” I feel like they’re saying “Pete? I don’t like who you are.. I don’t like what you are and I don’t think anyone needs to hear anything you have to say. Please delete your twitter and blog immediately!

Intellectually I KNOW they’re not personally attacking me. But my aspie side find it hard to separate the words from the meaning. When I was 18 I wanted nothing more than a girlfriend. I was “lucky” I had a high school girlfriend. We’d hold hands. I was 18… other boys my age were bragging about their conquests. I didn’t want that. I was happy holding hands. I got a peck on the cheek once; I still remember that nearly 30 years later.  I had my first “proper” girlfriend when I was in my very late 20’s/early 30’s . Which is why I can’t watch the comedy “The 40 year old virgin” .. I wasn’t quite that bad but, really, not far off and it’s not really a fun nor funny experience. I wasn’t preoccupied with sex, I’d rather have someone to cuddle and chat with. (I love cuddles)

Ok, So Atypical isn’t ideal. Surely an autistic hero is better than a NT hero? Even if he is being played by an NT actor? (I grew up in the Sean Connery/Roger Moore Bond era. How’s that for an unrealistic view of toxic masculinity and overly sexed NT heroes?)  I was looking forward to having ONE fictional character I could call my own. One like me. Not identical, not a carbon copy, but someone with SOMETHING in common.

And now I feel that I should be ashamed of who I am, Curse me for being born male, damn me for being born white and a hex on my head for being straight! I cannot help these things, this is who I am. Warts and all. I do my best to acknowledge my privileges and do my best to signal boost, promote and support others of all groups. So why do I feel hated?

This whole Atypical thing is making me very low. I’m sinking into a deep funk. So much so I’ve recently blocked any tweets mentioning it, I’m not going to watch the show, I’m also not going to listen to anyone telling me I’m not entitled to my say.

I’m feeling truly lost.

A letter to my younger selves Pt 2

A while back I wrote two time travelling letters to my 7 year old and my 17 year old former selves. In this blog entry I fire up my quantum pen and put temporal ink to hyperspacial paper and write two more letters to the 27 and 37 year old versions of me respectively.

“Hi 27 Year old Pete!

It’s me! 47 year old Pete writing to you from the year 2017! How are you doing? Congratulations on your math degree by the way! I know you found it quite easy. Math always was your strong subject, you might not have known you were Asperger’s back then, but you were, one of the rare positives of austism I suppose, although not everyone develops super math skills like you. I hate to tell you though, you won’t be using your degree skills much from now on as you’ve no doubt found already? Let me see you’ve had a couple of small jobs already. A Document Controller for an oil and gas pipeline project? Oh and you worked for that Joinery and Building company in Aberdeen didn’t you? You wrote their client tracking and employee scheduling system for them didn’t you. That’s what you’re going to do from now on I’m afraid. You’re a Software engineer now, you’ll write software for other people! Still it pays the bills (admittedly it doesn’t pay very many bills at the moment.. but you will get paid more eventually, especially when you move)

Oh yeah, I really should cover that. You’re in Aberdeen at the moment. The “Big” city! I know you found moving there really stressful and you miss the quiet of your small home town. It’s ok, it will get better. Trust me you will get used to city life. You’ll be here for around 10 years yet, just in time for my next letter I guess. You’ll make some great friends and even have one of those more serious Girlfriends I told you about previously. You’ll end up as a software developer for a huge multinational oil and gas corporation and you’ll be there for nearly 8 years. However there’s going to be some big changes ahead. Good ones I have to say – don’t make me worry you. But there are big scary changes ahead and you can’t avoid them. Just try to enjoy your time in Aberdeen. Anyway, I’ve only got a short while and I still need to write a letter to your 37 year old self. Enjoy the next 10 years, by my calculations I’ll be writing to you just around the time of your big change! It’s ok. I won’t spoil the surprise just yet. See you in a decade

Your friend, You (aged 47)”
Right that’s one for the Doctor to post next time he’s popping over. Time for one last one.
“Dear 37 year old Pete,
Hello once more ! This will be my last letter to you as a decade after this – well you’ll be me here writing them! So you’re still in Aberdeen for now and you’ve recently bought a flat?! Wow you own your own home! Feels very odd doesn’t it? You and your last girlfriend broke up if I remember, it’s a pity but hey, you’ve got a new girlfriend now haven’t you? Yes, and what’s more she’s from London! I still cannot you met through social dancing of all things XD It was your best friend who suggested you go dancing after you broke up with your ex.  I recall you didn’t particularly enjoy the dancing, but you made some very good friends there, friends you still have today..er.. my today that is – not yours. My my time travelling is so confusing! Anyway you like this new girlfriend of yours and I believe you’ve been popping up and down to visit her and she’s been doing likewise. I know you have a good feeling about her and you’re right to. Ok, in my last letter I told you about a big change, one I knew you wouldn’t like much. I just want to take a moment to prepare you for it. The company you work for is being bought out, they are going to get rid of most of your department and I’m afraid to say, you will be being made redundant. It’s nothing personal, but I know this will really upset you for a while, it’s ok to be upset but I’m here to tell you something you might not expect. Ready? THIS WAS A GOOD THING!

Yes really! You and your Girlfriend have both been travelling back and forth from Aberdeen to London for months. You don’t need to do this any longer. You’ll get a sizable redundancy package, you’ll find someone to rent your flat – and you’ll move down to London!

No, I’m not kidding. Don’t panic it’s fine. It all works out REALLY well. You move down to London and move in with your girlfriend in her flat. You’ll get a REALLY COOL new job working for a famous F1 motorsports company and you’ll be making so much more money. But that’s not the best part. Ok, I’m probably spoiling the surprise a bit but here goes. When you turn 40 you’ll get married. YES, you heard me right, married. Believe it or not, you’ll actually get up in front of all your friends and do a speech! And you’ll barely stammer at all. You’ve come a long way since that scared little 7 year old boy I first wrote to.

You and your new wife will then sell both your and her flats and buy a house in London together. You’ll have ups and downs, you’ll change jobs a couple of times but eventually you and I will catch up. We’ll be living in our family home with a cat called Jelly. No we didn’t name her. You won’t have any children unfortunately but that’s ok. You’re happy. Eventually during one of your low periods you’ll go to the doctor for counselling and , in doing so, will finally be told the truth of who you are. It’s taken you 40+ years to get here but here you are – Aspie and proud.

It’s been one hell of a journey and I’m glad I got to share it with you

Best regards

Pete.

About my Anosmia.

Ok, on a blog about living with Asperger syndrome I do a post that’s nothing to do with Asperger’s! I’ve been getting a few questions about this and how it affects me so I’ll do my best to answer them below.

Q. What is Anosmia?
A. Anosmia is the medical term for loss of the sense of smell. It can be caused by many things such as head trauma or infection, Nasal polyps, exposure to toxic chemicals, drug abuse or medication side effects (to name but a few) . For some people, like me, it’s a congenital condition meaning we were born this way. I’ve never known what a smell is; I will never know what a smell is. My brain just isn’t wired to receive this information.

Q. So if you can’t smell, you can’t taste right?
A. Wrong. I *CAN* taste. “Flavour” is a combination of both taste and smell (and affected by other senses too such as sight, mouth feel etc) The human tongue detects 5 basic flavour groups, Namely Salt, Sweet, Sour, Bitter and Unami (the strange “savoury” or “brothy” taste found in foods like Beef, Mushrooms and Soy). I can also detect the burning sensation (an actual physical pain response) from the capsaicin in chili, and the cooling sensation of menthol in mints. What I *CANNOT* get is the aromatics found in food. These travel both up the front of the nose, and up the back and give an extra level of information about the food you’re eating. This is why I don’t really drink. Wine all tastes the same to me. Beer all tastes bitter. I can’t differentiate between herbs in dishes and subtle nuances are totally lost on me. It’s all about the primary flavour and the mouthfeel to me. Explains why I ADORE salty potato crisps! (Chips if you’re an American 😉 )

Q. But it’s not serious though is it?
A. Yes AND No. I do not consider myself to be disabled. It’s not as limiting to my day-to-day life as deafness or blindness would be. It doesn’t degrade my quality of life significantly and on a day to day basis I rarely think about its absence. However, that said I have had issues in the past. I’ve had more than my fair share of food poisoning. I’ve eaten foods that have gone off because they LOOKED ok. I’ve set fire to my kitchen at least twice because I couldn’t smell the food I was cooking was burning. Finally, I’ve NARROWLY avoided killing myself because I walked into a kitchen and was about to turn on a light.. not realising a recently fitted gas appliance had been leaking all day! Luckily I was with someone with a good sense of smell who stopped me before… well. Also, among people who have lost their sense of smell, the sense of deprivation has been linked to severe depression and even suicidal thoughts. Luckily I don’t miss it as I’ve never had it.

Q. Wow! I hadn’t really thought about that! So any positives about anosmia?
A. Well, as positive as one can be about missing one of your five senses. I used to work on my Aunt’s farm at weekends as a child for pocket-money. I do not need to go into any great detail about why having no olfactory sense would be a benefit there 😉 It’s also fairly invisible. Unless I tell someone, no one knows. So I don’t have to suffer discrimination (positive or negative) over my condition.

Q. So how else has Anosmia affected your life?
A. For a while I was obsessed with being clean. I mean overly obsessed. As I didn’t know if I smelt fresh or not I would constantly wash myself. This developed into an OCD fixation with hand washing to the point where my hands were dry, cracked and bleeding. I’m “better” now. I manage my condition much more effectively than I did. I still don’t like being “dirty” but I can tolerate it. I can do things now I couldn’t do previously. Like getting my hands messy with dough making bread for my Wife and I. (Apparently I bake the better bread of the two of us.. so this is my task now XD ) I do not know if my Anosmia and Asperger Syndrome are linked. It’s likely. I’ve always felt “detached” from reality, like I’m living inside a plastic bubble. I cannot really connect with anything as I’m missing out on a layer of information I cannot perceive. Food is mostly boring for me. I forget to eat mainly because I’m not being prompted by external signals. I do like some foods over others but mostly I eat because I have to not because I want to.

I also don’t use deodorants or scented soaps. I wash with plain white unscented shower lotion and do not use any sprays or perfumes.

This is just a brief introduction to anosmia for those who didn’t already know anything about it. If you are interested in hearing more please feel free to contact me.

Is Twitter a Toxic Environment?

I love twitter; it’s my social media platform of choice. I have a Facebook account but I don’t use it for anything other than sharing fun stuff with my family. As my parents use it and read/comment on EVERYTHING I post it’s a heavily edited and censored version of me. My parents still don’t know about my AS diagnosis, as far as they know I’m the same old “normal” son I’ve always been.

On Twitter I have a cabal of interesting people I follow, a caucus of weird people who follow me and a junta of people I respect and occasionally see other people re-tweeting. For the most part Twitter is fun and I can be truer to myself than on any other social media platform. However it’s not without its problems. On more than one occasion I’ve fallen foul of “Twitter etiquette” or been set upon by the baying hounds of some Twitter lynch mob just because I had the audacity to either disagree with someone – or agree with the wrong person!

My current Twitter account is at least my 5th – I say “at least” because I’ve honestly lost track. I’ve deleted accounts when I’ve been picked on so many times. People might tell me to “man up” but I can’t. My aspie side hates conflict and I can’t stand it when I think people dislike me.

I try VERY HARD to be likable. I’m VERY OPEN to alternative lifestyles. I DO NOT CARE if you are Black, White, Straight, Gay, Cis, Trans, Male, Female or a Yellow polka-dotted bisexual tribble! As long as you’re a decent person I’ll probably get along with you. Unfortunately my eagerness to “get along with people” has been misinterpreted on more than one occasion. I know I can be a little “invasive” and I try to curb this.. but if I see something I agree/disagree with I’ll usually respond to the person who tweeted it originally. I’ll often mistake twitter conversation for friendship and a friendly “hey you look good today!” tweet from me comes across as a creepy perverted tweet to another.

I had one ex-follower recently accuse me of being a pervert and a “chaser” (I still don’t fully understand this..) to another friend and encouraged my friend to “be careful” and “steer clear”. Thankfully my friend disagreed with this person’s opinions and stood up for me in my absence. Unfortunately the spreader of this toxic accusation had MANY MANY followers who took up arms and picked on me, my friend and mutual friends. So much so they drove my new friend off twitter, blocked me and anyone I followed and who disagreed with them and spent the next few days rubbishing anything and everything I’d ever done via poisonous subtweets. After that, I deleted my account (again) and was very careful about who I let in.

Speaking as an Aspie, I find the terse 140 character limit very problematic. I find it very difficult to read subtext in such a small piece of text. I can’t always pick up on irony or sarcasm; sometimes I’ll read the gist of a tweet wrong and comment inappropriately. It’s not easy to read the mind of anyone from the contents of their tweet, not just for aspies but for anyone.

Another problem with Twitter is its lack of any form of control. Anyone can form a twitter account and say anything they like, admittedly inflammatory or racist comments get picked up EVENTUALLY but usually too late. The number of far right, islamophobic, homophobic, anti-female, anti-male, anti-science, anti-common-sense twitter accounts out there is staggering. Then you have “The Eggs” the accounts who’s only purpose to throw a bucket of steaming hot poison into the room then vanish. They pop up like a rash, Egg or Pepe the frog accounts with random names just to insult someone and cause a ruckus (or fan the flames of an existing ruckus and pour gasoline on the fire!) because there’s an anonymity that makes people think they’re untouchable. I’m @CopernicusCF on twitter. Copernicus, you’ll be surprised to hear, isn’t my real name! I’m loathe to put my real name on twitter or anywhere else where it could be used to track me, my wife, my family or my friends down.

If only Twitter would open up the verified account mark for EVERYONE who supplies proof of id. You wouldn’t need to use your real name, but JUST have your account linked to an identifiable person in the background. Then they could add an extra filter to say only see tweets from verified users. Ok this in itself wouldn’t rid twitter of ALL the bile, but it would dissuade some of these more vocal hate mongers from spewing their vile bile over the internet. But it’s not in Twitter’s interest to do this. They don’t want to limit users access and of course there’s the screams of “Hey free speech and all that! You grok me Earthman?” any time any mention of a filter is suggested.

I’m not for limiting the right of any user to say whatever they want.. I’m just saying we don’t necessarily need to see it in our daily feeds.

 

Me and The Mask

No, this isn’t a discussion of my personal feelings regarding the Jim Carrey movie (although, for better or worse, I quite like it.. Let’s just agree to never talk about the sequel though ok?)

No, the mask in question is this one *points to face* what? You don’t see a mask? Perfect! Just the way it should be. You should look at me and ne’er give me a second glance. You should cast your eyes upon my unremarkable mediocre visage and pass on without a second thought. I should merge seamlessly into the sea of anonymous faces, never standing out.

The mask I wear hides who I really am. After 47 years of being an aspie – actually no, technically after 1 year of being aspie and 46 years of being a very confused individual – I’ve learnt to hide my inner true self. I hark back to the conversation of the previous week ( see blog post Oh Dear…. for details) where a colleague told me I couldn’t possibly be on the autistic spectrum as I was “not weird enough” I suppose I should be happy that it’s working so well.

Unfortunately, I have to present a false front to my shabby interior. We’re all judged daily by people we know and people we don’t. Walk onto a bus and within seconds someone has probably made a snap judgement about who you are and what sort of person you might be. I get treated differently when I’m in my work suit and tie opposed to my scruffy weekend gear. How do you think I’d be received if people who didn’t know me suddenly realised I’m “not right in the head” (not my words – overheard on a bus recently about another passenger)

Masking is dangerous. It puts us under incredible stress and strain. Constantly being on guard and pretending to be someone else every waking moment is hard. Constantly worrying about letting your pretence of normality slip for a second makes me very anxious. Of course, I can’t SHOW this anxiety, no I have to bottle it up as well. Apply the plastic broad smile and artificial twinkle in my eyes. I have to laugh and joke with everyone like I don’t have a care in the world when in reality I’d dead and dry as dust inside.

It’s tiring being someone you’re not, which is why my wife is so important to me. She’s one of the few people who know ME – Not the fake public me, but the frail broken shy private me. She’s got the keys to my inner enclave. She’s seen the face behind the mask and covered it in loving kisses. I feel safe around her. She is my strength and my anchor.

Unfortunately I can’t carry her around with me every minute of every day. I have to work, interact with people, deal with problems and strangers and that great messy uncontrolled tangle that is London. As much as I hate it, I need the mask.

Time to put the mask on again and face the world from behind its protection.

How do I feel?

Smokin’

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